endlessdel | Let It Go

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Let It Go

Delirium had almost believed them when they told her it would get better, when they told her that it was just part of being human- but everyday it got worse, everyday she forgot a little bit more. When she looked at her doggies she struggled to remember their names or where she was until she remembered and when she remembered it felt worse, like she had been hurt all over again.

She felt too tired to get up. She didn’t want to eat or drink and when they saw her they made her eat or drink and then they left her again and she was alone. Jack had told her to push them away but that hadn’t helped, pretending hadn’t helped either and nothing made it better. It just hurt, hurt all over until she could barely breathe or think about anything else but leaving it all behind.

Delirium had found the bottle sometime in the night and she had drunk it all. It had made her feel better for a while, it had made her forget but in the morning she remembered it all. She remembered his soft hands on her face, the way he kissed her and held her. The way that he had loved her. She felt sick.

Delirium ran into the bathroom, retching into the sink, tears streaming down her face. The shock of her pale face in the mirror startled her and she stared, stared past the mirror at her sister. Her sisters. Desire wasn't happy just playing with Dream's life she had to interfere in hers. She could almost hear them- their cruel laughter. "I hate you, I hate you!" Delirium said throwing the bottle at the mirror, smashing the bottle into pieces.

Delirium stared at the broken shards of the bottle and laughed hysterically. Each edge broken and jagged; left empty and alone with no purpose. Just like her. Delirium picked up a large piece of the glass, ignoring it biting into her fingertips causing red trickles to run down her hands. Blood red, like her hair. Delirium stared at it unknowingly, blinking back tears as they ran down her face.

Delirium placed the shard into the sink and drew an unsteady swirl onto the mirror in her blood. Delirium heard Barnabas's barks and picked up the shard, rushing to the door and pushing her weight against it. "It's okay Barnabas, I'm going home. I'm ready now," Delirium said, her breath coming in short breaths as she leaned against the door. Barnabas threw his weight against the door, howling at her.

Sobbing Delirium took the shard of glass and ran it down her wrists, watching the blood rush to the surface. She attempted to try the other one but found herself unable; Delirium lay down in front of the door beginning to feel tired. Delirium felt her weight shift as the door pushed open and someone began to try to help her. Delirium closed her eyes and smiled at the sound of wings.

"Hello sister," Delirium whispered happily.

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Chase had been in the Clinic to go over paperwork now that Gwen was officially discharged and had been going over several little aspects of the procedure while adding information about Juno, now that he had a new patient.

And he was actually alert, a happy change from nights before thanks to the newborn. Sleeping in the Boarding House definitely helped on the front.

Abby walked into the clinic, trying to seem as if she wasn't walking around with blood on her shirt and hands, and was glad to find Dr. Chase there. She didn't really want to consider what would happen if she brought a different doctor back. It probably wouldn't be good.

"Hey Dr. Chase, sorry to interrupt your paperwork, but Delirium could use some help in the bathroom," she said calmly. Panicking was not the answer and wouldn't help Del.

Chase's eyes flicked down to the blood and then up to Abby and he was already getting a couple of gloves before he'd even said anything or his mind had even processed it and he just nodded. "Sure," he agreed, slowly. "Care to tell me how much help we're looking at?"

"She tried to slit her wrists with some broken glass," she replied matter-of-factly. "I happened to be on my way there and found her. I tried to stop the blood with some towels, but she definitely needs stitches. One of the cuts is pretty deep."

"Right now her dog Barnabas is watching her while I came and got you like she asked, and I think she's been drinking too," she added.

"O...kay," Chase said after a very long and awkward beat of wondering if this was really his life now, but he grasped a bunch of bandaged and a pillow to support her. "Can you get some of the banana bags, then? I have a feeling we might need one. Uh, and..." He strained to think if they had any blood in the fridge. "How badly has she lost the blood so far?"

He was grasping his needles and thread, just in case she couldn't be moved.

"Ummmm...keeping in mind that I don't tend to deal with people while they're still breathing, I'd say maybe a pint or two?" she hazarded. "Enough that she was turning pale and sort of zoning out."

She grabbed a couple banana bags (yeah, she'd been in the clinic a few times, even if she was technically a lab person) and then pointed out something that had just occurred to her.

"If you need to transfuse her for some reason, I'm O negative and clean."

Chase gave her a look of relief at the blood type, hurrying down the hall as quickly as he could. "Okay, just keep with me," he advised over his shoulder. "Just in case we need someone to go back and forth for supplies."

"Sure," she agreed, and grabbed some extra gauze to go with the bags before she started following Dr. Chase down the hall to the bathroom. She was nothing if not cautious, and Del needed all the help she could get.

She was pretty sure Del was eventually gonna be okay physically, but therapy might not be a bad idea, if they could get her to agree to it. That was debatable.

Chase just hurried forward, bracing himself for this. He felt like he'd worked more in the last week than in months, at least, from a medical perspective. "Hey, Delirium, it's Dr. Rob, how are you?" he asked, as soon as he found her, immediately trying to clot the blood.

As soon as Abby left the room Delirium made slow and tired motions to try and reach for the glass. Barnabas had growled angrily at her until she lay on her back, giggling at the ceiling. It had such interesting things to tell her. Not like dog, she didn't like the dog it was mean.

Delirium was not really aware of the two people in the room with her, she was aware of the squat little chubby grey feet of her sister. She felt like she was spinning out of control and she couldn't stop. She felt cold.

Shivering Delirium blinked slowly and looked at Rob with a tired, hysterical smile. "Peachy keen," Delirium said, dropping her voice to a whisper. "I'm going home, shush. It's a secret."

"No you're not, not yet, Delirium," Abby replied, slipping past Dr. Chase to settle next to Barnabus and Del, close enough to help Dr. Chase but far enough away to not get in his way in whatever he needed to do.

"Not going home."

"Abby's right, you're not going home," Chase very gently said as he started to thread an IV into her, hooking the banana bag up and hanging it up as he worked to get her cleaned up, raising her arms above her heart. "I need you here. Who else is going to be so nice about praising my hair?" he murmured, just between them as he wrapped the towels around her wrists.

"Everyone else does," Delirium said, as she was poked and prodded. Her arms raised above her, Delirium stared at the bloody towels and leaned precariously before Barnabas moved behind her and held her up. Barnabas nudged her and barked. "You did okay, they won't be angry at you. He's supposed to look after me."

Delirium made a face at the IV. It was looking at her with evil eyes, it wanted to drug her and eat her. She didn't like it, she wanted to pull them out but she was too tired. "Prettiest hair on the Island, like sandwiches and- what are you doing?" Delirium looked at him confused.

"Barnabas did an excellent job," Abby agreed, petting the dog and ignoring the comments that were clearly something between Del and Dr. Chase. She wasn't sure Delirium was actually talking about Barnabas doing a good job, but it was remarkably normal and comforting not to have any idea what Del was talking about. "He barked and made sure I knew you were in here. And Dr. Chase is just getting some fluids back into you, to help you feel better."

Chase gave her as kind a smile as he could. "Delirium, we're gonna do this here, okay? I don't want to move you just yet," he admitted and lifted the needle and thread. "Did you ever have any dolls?"

He knew this was a bit of an odd way to go about it, but she had issues with needles and he needed her at least to remain calm, or else he'd have to sedate her. "Sometimes, their stuffing comes out and we have to fix them. So I'm just gonna make sure that you keep okay. Right? So I have to sew you up a little. I promise, it won't hurt if you let me give you a little bit of something." A local anaesthetic, nothing more.

"No, I had a doll house and it was bigger than the Island and I used to put my mortals in there and we had tea parties," Delirium said, frowning, reaching out for Abby. It hurt so much. "But they locked them away and fed them things and they couldn't come to play anymore. They were just...dribbly."

Delirium looked at him nervously. "I don't want to be dribbly."

"You won't be dribbly," Abby assured Del, taking the hand that Dr. Chase wasn't about to try to stitch up. "And no one's gonna lock you away. But if you wanted, I bet someone here would know how to make a dollhouse. It could be fun."

She was pretty sure Del was going to need some inpatient time, but that wasn't the same as an asylum, which she was pretty sure was what Del was talking about. Maybe. And the dollhouse idea might not ever happen, but when in doubt, distracting Delirium worked.

"Okay, here we go, no dribbly," Chase promised as he smoothed the anaesthetic in with practiced care, so easy that she wouldn't even feel it, especially with as much blood as she'd lost. She was clotting enough that he could start and he disinfected the area as quickly as he could, starting in on the stitches, eyes glancing up to Abby. "If she flails, hold her down?" he asked quietly.

Delirium held tightly to Abby's hand. She couldn't feel what he was doing but she could see what he was doing. Her flesh looked all wrong, red and raw and ripped apart. Delirium went a very pale shade of white.

"The fishies said I could go play with them but I don't like drowning, the body gets all bloaty and it wouldn't look nice when my family had to give me the service. And the new me would probably go and be TraLiDah." Delirium said, wanting to pull away from Chase. "I'm going to be a kangaroo when I grow up, the cherry stones told me so. Didn't they Barnabas-what are you doing?"

Delirium wasn't really aware she'd already asked the questions. "Bob's gone, gone, gone,gone. No one will let me go find him."

Abby nodded in response to Dr. Chase's request, and held Del's hand equally tightly. It was gonna be a little sore for awhile, probably, but that was fine.

"No, drowning's a bad idea," she agreed soothingly. "And you can be whatever you want to be when you grow up, including a kangaroo if you want to be. I saw a movie with a kangaroo named Pantoufle once."

Chase let Abby talk, not wanting to distract Delirium with too many voices at once, not to mention that he could work a lot faster if he just zoned out and went to a very efficient place, critical of his work, but fast all at once. He just had to get her wrists stitched up and wrap them tightly, so they could have a chance.

"She'll probably still need a transfusion," he said quietly. "But I can't hook her up just yet."

"I can heeeeeeeeeear you," Delirium said, looking at Chase with an unnerving stare before almost dissolving into giggles. Everything felt wrong, her arm and her head. "I'm crazy, I'm not deaf."

Delirium pouted. "I want my sister, why isn't she here?"

Abby just nodded to Dr. Chase's directive again, since actual speech wasn't really required. She was willing and able to be a donor whenever needed, but he was right. Delirium needed to be slightly more stable before that could happen. She'd also preferably be in the clinic instead of on a cold bathroom floor.

"You're right, you're not deaf," she agreed with Del. "My parents are, though. Want me to teach you a few signs? They're pretty simple and then you can say things and other people won't know you're saying them. That could be fun."

That aspect of sign language caught most people's attention, honestly. Something about the sneakiness factor of being able to say someone was a hippo or something without them having any idea you said it.

Edited 2008-04-29 21:56 (UTC)

Chase was glad for Abby's presence, because he wasn't sure he could keep Delirium this calm just on his own. "Being deaf is definitely no fun," he offered his own calm addition as he worked towards sealing off the line of stitches.

Delirium tried to sign to Abby but was slightly hindered by the fact that her fingers felt funny. Like they were ghosts at the ends of her arms.

"I know them, I know LoTses. Not knowing everything is all that makes it okay, except I know everything and nothing is okay anymore." Delirium said, staring behind Abby at the little squat figure of her sister. Grey skin, bleeding and looking at her with those cold, unfeeling eyes. "I wish she wouldn't stare at me like that, I don't like it. It's like being laughed at."

Delirium smiled at Chase. "Can I go now?" Delirium asked, wondering where she could get a length of rope from. Maybe hanging would work better.

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